Most of us are married under a Vedic ceremony we don’t really understand.
We are familiar with the Christian wedding and its vows because of cinema and our familiarity with English. However, this exchange between groom and bride is quite recent when compared with the Vedic ceremony..
The Christian formulation is: “To have and to hold, for better and for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health till death do us part.“ We can find this vow in almost exactly the same shape in a 14th century edition of the Liber Pontificalis (The Book of the Popes).
One line was excised from this in modern times. It is the pledge made by the bride just before the words “till death do us part“. She promises her groom she will remain “bonny and buxom in bed and board“. Buxom is of course full-breasted, while bonny means beautiful, attractive. What could account for this lovely line's omission? Possibly feminism.
The Muslim marriage ceremony has no romance about it. The marriage itself is conducted by the girl's guardian with or without her consent, though it is not valid unless she later consents. The Muslim marriage is contractual, and it wouldn't be incorrect to call it a transaction. The unique thing about the transaction is that it is reversed. The woman must compulsorily be paid a gift of cash by the man, following the instruction in verse 4 of the Quran's chapter “Women“. From the outside, it appears a more natural exchange than dowry, because it is the woman who will perform service--sexual, domestic and maternal. A woman may ask for as much money as she wishes.
From a later verse in the same chapter, Shias have legitimized an interesting phenomenon called Muta, or temporary marriage. This is reviled by Sunnis and it is minor differences like these which produce sectarianism.
Let us look at the Vedic wedding.
The best book on this was published by Kolkata's Writers Workshop. It was written by Purushottama Lal with help from scholar Suniti Kumar Chatterji.
It reveals the beauty of the ceremony. Lal said his intention was to “present the essentials of the Hindu wedding, shorn of the excessive ritualisation that has crept into it as a result of regional variations and commercial considerations“.
Lal hoped his booklet would “serve the idealism and sacred bonding needs of all who feel that such a text restores to the ceremony the auspiciousness and sanctity that mechanical performance has deprived it of in modern times“.
Does the ceremony do this? Let's see if it does.
The wedding begins with the purohit addressing the gathered: “Say these words to bless the wedding: `May all be holy (Om punyaham), may all be successful (Om riddhim), may all be well (Om svasti).'“ The guests respond: “Om punyaham, Om riddhyatam, Om svasti“.
The man, karta, giving the bride away then welcomes the groom, who replies: “I am honoured (aham ase).
The bride is blessed by the presence of divinity.“
The couple then receive each other with these words.
Bride: “I respect you with all my mind and all my heart, I respect your soul with mine. Inside the same as outside, and outside the same inside.“
Groom: “I respect you similarly in the presence of all.“
Bride: “My mind will move with your mind in love, like water flowing on the path of life. My life is linked with yours, my mind with yours and my vows with your vows. Let us work together as two friends, seekers of the same goal.“
The groom replies with these words: “Who is giving to whom? It is love that gives to love. Love is giver, receiver, an inexhaustible ocean. You come to me with love, and that is love's doing.“
The purohit tells the bride: “As Sachi to Indra, as Svaha to Agni, as Rohini to Chandra, as Damayanti to Nala, as Bhadra to Vivasyat, as Arundhati to Vashishth, as Lakshmi to Vishnu, may you be to your husband.“
The bride replies: “May the path of my husband be spontaneous, and I shall walk on it with pleasure.“
This is followed by the Kushandika, the fire ritual.
The couple faces the fire with the groom standing behind the bride, reaching out in front to cup her palms in his.
Bride: “May my husband live a hundred years, and my people prosper.“
Purohit: “May you be as steadfast to your family as the Pole Star is to the earth.“
Then follows the ritual we associate most with the Vedic marriage, the seven steps of the Saptapadi.
The couple chants together: “We take the first step for nourishment.“
They continue in this manner, taking the second step for success, the third for loyalty, the fourth for bliss, the fifth for the good of all animals, the sixth for prosperity, the seventh for illumination.
They chant together: “With these seven steps I am your friend, may I deserve your friendship and may it make me one with you, loved and loving, sakha-sakhi.“
The couple then hold hands, and the groom says: “I hold your hand happily, for I am your husband. Let us grow old together, as lovers, as friends, as guides. Be with me and let's together build the ideal home. May the universe's powers bless us and the holy waters unite us. Your heart, my will--may they be one. Your mind and my mind, also one. I hope our words delight one another. May divinity unite us. What is in my heart, may it be in yours, tied in the knot of truth.
In love, may we see a hundred autumns, live a hundred autumns and hear a hundred autumns.“
He then anoints his bride with sindoor.
Bride: (facing Dhruv, the Pole Star): “You are forever stable. May I also be in my new home.“
Purohit: “Witness this bride and bless her. May she be happy in love.
Be as a queen with your husband's family.“
Facing the couple he says: “May you always follow the principles of dharma, artha and kama (morality, economics and sexual pleasure).“
The couple, together: “I will.“
Purohit: “May this ceremony be blessed by God. Shanti, shanti, shanti.“
One thing is striking in the exchange: This is a marriage of equals. The text does not excessively put the bride in a subordinate position. There is also no reference to caste, other than of course the word “purohit“, which can only refer to a Brahmin.
Copyright Mint by HT.
FINANCIAL PLANNING - Before and after you take wedding vows
BY Bindisha Sarang, Mint
If you are one among the thousands getting
married this wedding season, here's something you should consider. While money
matters may sound impersonal when it comes to a close bond like marriage, they
are as important as the emotional bonding of a relationship.
Before the wedding don’t start a marriage
in debt: A lot of people would do that, but that is absolutely inadvisable.
Don't go for some- thing you cannot afford. One lavish day would mean your
account in married life opens in the negative.
Says Jayant Pai, vice-president, Parag
Parikh Financial Advisory Services, a financial planning firm, “Taking a huge
high-interest debt for the wed- ding is a bad idea. In fact, if possible don't
sell your long- term investments either.“
So what do you do for cash flow? If you
haven't saved for the occasion yourself, borrowing from family and friends may
work since such a loan would be interest-free.
Pai says, “Ideally you should start saving
for the wedding one year in advance. Borrowing from family is a good idea, but
borrow to bridge a gap, or shortfall, don't borrow the whole wedding expense
from family.“
However, if that is not an option, selling
your investments is marginally better than taking on a huge debt. The reason:
you are young and will be able to earn and rebuild your investments.
Taking a debt and hoping to use wedding
cash gifts to repay the loan isn't a great idea either. Pai adds, You should
not rely on cash gift to repay the loan, there is no guarantee that you
actually get that much and you may get stuck for a long time.
Financial compatibility: Apart from
emotional and intellectual compatibility, it's best to check each other's financial
compatibility, too, before the marriage. Says Sumeet Vaid, CEO, Freedom Financials
Planners, a financial planning firm, Both the par- ties should be transparent
regarding their finances with each other, especially if it's a double income
household. It's important to know how the other handles money, even before the
marriage.
Internationally, financial planners
recommend that it's good to run a credit check on your potential mate. Alternatively,
you could help your partner get the required credit counselling before you tie
the knot.
After the wedding after the honeymoons over,
it's time to get back to the grind. Starting early would help you ease the
grind: while wealth creation can be larger and further goal, there are cer-
tain things that you must do first thing after marriage.
Update financial documents: This is something
we often overlook, but putting it in place is basic and mandatory.
Pai says, If you have your parents as
nominees and want to change the nomination in your spouse's name fully or
partly, you will need to do the necessary paperwork.
If both of you have moved to a new house,
the address will also need to be changed across your investments and bank
accounts.
Also, women, who plan to change their last
name, would have to do so even in their financial documents. And for this, they
would have to get a new permanent account number card and a new passport, among
other things. Even know-your- client norms would need to be adhered to all over
again.
Get a locker: Indian weddings are
synonymous with gold jewellery and other precious gifts.
To ensure their safety, apply for a bank
locker as soon as possible since it may take some time before you get one. You
can also consider taking jewellery insurance, which is usually part of the
householder's policy.
Set financial goals: Setting financial
goals, such as planning a kid would help you invest accordingly. As you settle
in, you may look at short-term goals such a buying a car, going on a holiday or
even consumer goods. While most people go for such goals, does it really make
sense to buy a car or go on a holiday early on? Practically yes, but
financially? Pai says, “If you plan to have such expenses early on, it's best to
save on the wedding cost. Alternately, you will have to postpone the
gratification and invest keeping these short- term goals in mind. For short-
term goals of less than three years debt-oriented investments work well.“
Make a budget: When you have just got
married, between invitations for dinners to family and friends, you tend to
splurge on everything from eating out to going to the cine- ma to buying gifts
for each other. At the end of three-four months, you may find your credit card
bills soaring and your budget going haywire.
To avoid such a situation, make a budget as
soon as possible. Map out your expenses, in accordance to your expenses,
investments and loans, but make sure you make room for some savings too.
Initial investments: Also, if you have a
lump sum saved for a specific goal, do not spend it all on things for the house
such as furniture and consumer goods. Pai says, “If you have a lump sum amount
and it's not assigned to a specific financial goal, it's all right to dip into
those funds. But let's say, you are saving for a long-term financial goal, then
dipping into this to buy furniture is not the best thing to do.“
Get a financial plan: To make sure your
goals, budget, expenses and investments are in sync, it's best to seek professional
help.
Apart from helping you get suitable health
and life insurance plans, a financial planner would help you look into important
aspects such as building an emergency corpus.
As predictable as it may sound, an
emergency fund is a must in today's slowing economy. Says Vaid, Look at the potential
risk you face as a family.
For instance, if both the partners are
working in a technology sector and both get laid off together, you will need an
emergency fund to rely on. Ideally you should keep one year's expenses aside.
If that is too much for you, aim for at least six month’s expenses.
The planner would also help allocate your
investments and assets to cater to your short- and long-term goals.
Team up now: Says Suresh Sadagopan,
Mumbai-based certified financial planner says, “If both the spouses are
earning, it's best to maintain their individual financial identities, but some
financial aspects need to be looked upon as a team. You could opt for a joint
account to buy financial papers, pay equated monthly instalments on loans and
the like, even as you maintain separate savings accounts.“
If you have separate accounts, make sure
that you appear as co-owner on the pa- pers. For big-ticket items like a house,
irrespective of which spouse has made a contribution, ensure that the other
spouses name appears as a co- owner.
Remember that each house- hold is unique
and so are its demands, but the basics on which you need to work are pretty
much the same. Best wishes for a happy life.
25 November 2011
China Life: Split within
By HAN BINGBIN
It
was Valentine’s Day. Wang
Xiaobo
(a pseudonym) had been in
line
since early morning to register
her
marriage. In front of her, couples
were
carefully threading their
way
into a little room and filing out
from
the other side. It made her
think:
“It’s exactly like an assembly
line.”
The process was so quick and
simple
that many couples came out
slightly
bewildered and wondering:
“Are
we married already?” For
Wang,
her feelings were slightly
more
complex. This was her second
time
in the line. The first time was
four
years ago, in 2007, a year after
she
graduated from college. Her
husband
then was seven years older,
a
man she considered “mature,
considerate
and good at cooking”
and
who gave her “a strong sense
of
security”. She had married him
after
they dated for two years and
unlike
her classmates who were
still
playing the field and shopping
for
the perfect mate, Wang was content
with
her choice and expected
a
“stable and happy” life after marriage.
But
the rude awakening came
sooner
than she expected.
It
was not the perfect match she
thought
it was. They spoke less and
less
to each other until conversations
were
reduced to curt greetings
when
they met at home after
work.
Wang
also found her husband
sexually
indifferent and, in their
16-month-long
marriage, their sex
life
was practically non-existent.
She
tried to find out what was
wrong,
but he dodged the question
every
time.
She
concluded that the love was
gone,
and it was around this time
that
she started an affair. Things
deteriorated
quickly and, one day,
she
moved out and asked for a
divorce.
To her surprise, her husband
agreed.
With
that, Wang became part of
the
statistics that show an alarming
rise
in divorce in China. Figures
from
the Ministry of Civil Affairs
show
that in the first three quarters
of
2011, 2.8 million couples registered
for
divorce, up 12 percent
year-on-year.
That
translates to more than
10,000
families breaking down
every
day.
In
the last five years, the number
of
divorces has steadily increased
by
about 7 percent year-on-year,
nationwide.
In the first-tier cities
like
Beijing and Shanghai, the rate
has
reportedly surpassed 30 percent.
Peking
University law professor
Ma
Yinan says the rising trend
began
as early as the late 1970s. Ma
suggests
that China’s transformation
to
a market economy and modernization
also
began to reshape
lifestyles
and values, including
those
on marriage. With material
comforts
vastly improved, people
are
no longer satisfied with marriages
that
merely fulfilled the need
to
carry on the family line.
Especially
for women, economic
independence
has meant power to
be
emotionally more independent,
making
them brave enough to walk
out
of an unsatisfactory union. In
Wang’s
words, there is a new mantra:
“Financially,
I am independent.
I
don’t need someone to take care
of
me. I only look for love.”
Reports
from Xinhua News
Agency
also suggest that more and
more
divorce hearings are initiated
by
women, with figures pointing to
more
than half the cases, in places
as
far apart as Beijing and Xinjiang.
Another
contributing factor
has
emboldened suffering wives:
Society
is becoming more tolerant
toward
divorce. Public judgment
has
shifted from “shame” to “personal
choice
and privacy”, according
to
Qu Yang, psychiatrist and
veteran
marriage counsellor at the
Beijing
National Olympic Psychological
Hospital.
Qu
recalls from his childhood
being
taught that “good people
don’t
get divorced and divorcees
aren’t
good”.
At
a time when conservativeness
and
self-containment were prevalent,
society
placed great value on
collectivism
and peer pressure had
enormous
influence, Qu says, and
social
scrutiny forced many couples
to
stay in unhappy marriages.
National
policies, which reflected
the
moral values of that time, also
dissuaded
people. To get a divorce,
the
couple had to obtain a written
recommendation
from their
employers
as well as go through a
one-month
cooling-off period.
A
decade of change
These
processes stayed in place
until
2003, when the State Council
launched
new regulations that
cancelled
these complicated procedures.
Couples
who agreed to split
could
get divorced on the spot.
That
year, according to Ma’s
research, 1.3
million couples separated
legally,
the highest number
since
1949.
Once
the bread and butter issues
were
resolved, people were looking
for
better emotional well-being.
Qu
says people born after the
1980s
often misunderstand the
meaning
of marriage. They currently
make
up the largest numbers
of
divorces.
In
these newly prosperous times,
young
people are more given to
lightning
courtships fuelled by
intense
passion. Once the first flush
of
romance fades, however, they
want
out of the relationship instead
of
working out the problems. Qu
says
that for these age groups, the
danger
period is usually the first
two
years of marriage.
The
reason for divorce is usually
“incompatible
personalities”, but
Qu
says a new individualism has
taken
a grip on young Chinese.
They
want what they can get out of
a
relationship and are less tolerant
about
what the other party needs
or
wants.
People
more selfish
Qu
recalls many cases when one
partner
chooses to go abroad for
study
or work, a separation that
puts
enormous strain on the marriage.
“In
a purely traditional culture,
it’s
easier to produce so-called
compassionate
love,” Qu says. “But
frankly,
people are more selfish
these
days. There are fewer compromises.”
Financial
benefit also drives
some
marriages: If the spouse cannot
get
what was promised before
the
knot was tied, such as a house
or
apartment, the couple may end
up
in court.
The
irony, Qu says, is that husbands
who
can provide all the
material
comforts are also the ones
rich
enough to support extra-marital
affairs,
still the biggest cause for
divorce.
“It’s
been a growing phenomenon
among
the newly rich to divorce
their
wives and marry their lovers,”
says
Yang Xiaolin, a divorce lawyer
in
Beijing. In fact, many successful
men
take having a mistress as a status
symbol,
a fact that dismays both
the
psychologist and the lawyer.
Qu
says the secret to a successful
marriage
is still the age-old solution:
Love,
tolerance and compromise.
He
also advises the young to
take
their time and choose their life
partners
carefully.
That’s
also what Wang believes,
after
her roller-coaster ride since
her
first union. She has faith her
second
marriage will be long and
happy,
thanks to lessons learned
from
her first.
“There’s
no perfect man. Put up
with
the little shortcomings. And,
don’t
bet on a marriage with love
at
first sight, or passing passions.
Choose
patiently. It truly takes a
long
time to understand a person
and
to understand yourself,” she
concludes.
While
Wang still cannot pin
down
the criteria for a good marriage,
Qu
prefers to fall back on a
time-tested
adage: Choose a spouse
with
similar family and financial
backgrounds
to even the odds and
lay
common ground for better communication.
It
makes for a better
start
and could prevent a possible
bitter end.
These words of wisdom come from people who have been there and done that!
A good marriage won’t necessarily make you happy or fix your problems.
After the excitement of setting up house and getting married, you can be surprised to feel the same old frustrations.
“I was still unhappy with my job and still had the same stresses and emotional baggage,” she says. “I didn't realize that even with a relationship that made me happy, I had to continue working on the other parts of my life. Being in love and having some-one's love didn't make my problems go away.”
People are sometimes dissatisfied with their marriage when the real problem is that they’re depressed or have other problems in their life.
If you’re unhappy in your relationship, it makes sense to look at how the rest of your life is going. "You can always find excuses in what the other person is doing if you’re feeling bad.
"You can get angry, but it's important to talk without fighting."
• DO IT: The problem will not go away if you don't talk about it.
• COOL OFF: Pick a time when you can return to the argument with less emotion—ideally, within 24 hours and in person.
• DON'T ASSUME: You probably don't know exactly what your partner is thinking, even if you think you do.
• FLEXIBILITY ISN'T WEAKNESS: You can change your position without "losing."
• SEE THE OTHER SIDE: This is the best way to downgrade a heated conflict into a momentary disagreement.
• HOLD HANDS: Sit close, make eye contact, which can help make your interactions more positive.
• ARGUE IN FRONT OF THE KIDS: Do this only if you're modeling good argument techniques.
• AGREE TO DISAGREE: Recognize that you are in a partnership. Look for the middle ground.
• CHOOSE YOUR WORDS CAREFULLY: You can never take them back.
Source: WSJ reporting
One man said he and his girlfriend argue over whether to argue.
The experts make no distinction between arguing, fighting, bickering or even nagging.
They're all ways of expressing disagreement with another person that often become destructive, with one or both people using insults, clamming up or storming off.
Copyright 2009 Dow Jones & Company, Inc. All Rights Reserved
Experts say they’ve been surprised to learn how essential it is to long-term happiness to compliment your spouse and to celebrate his or her achievements.
“Look for opportunities to get excited about your partner’s successes,” says Arthur Aron, PhD, professor of social psychology at Stony Brook University. “It really strengthens the relationship. And research shows it’s even more important than supporting your partner when things go badly."
Any marriage is the blending of two families, not just two individuals. A marriage is a merger of the traditions and expectations from the two families.
Successful relationships don't just happen; they take everyday effort and enjoyment in the relationship.
One should never expect another person to make them happy. It's essential to learn to be happy with yourself before trying to share your life with another; it's also unrealistic to think that a relationship is going to be great all the time.
