Marriage

Most of us are married under a Vedic ceremony we don’t really understand.
We are familiar with the Christian wedding and its vows because of cinema and our familiarity with English. However, this exchange between groom and bride is quite recent when compared with the Vedic ceremony..


The Christian formulation is: “To have and to hold, for better and for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health till death do us part.“ We can find this vow in almost exactly the same shape in a 14th century edition of the Liber Pontificalis (The Book of the Popes).
One line was excised from this in modern times. It is the pledge made by the bride just before the words “till death do us part“. She promises her groom she will remain “bonny and buxom in bed and board“. Buxom is of course full-breasted, while bonny means beautiful, attractive. What could account for this lovely line's omission? Possibly feminism.
The Muslim marriage ceremony has no romance about it. The marriage itself is conducted by the girl's guardian with or without her consent, though it is not valid unless she later consents. The Muslim marriage is contractual, and it wouldn't be incorrect to call it a transaction. The unique thing about the transaction is that it is reversed. The woman must compulsorily be paid a gift of cash by the man, following the instruction in verse 4 of the Quran's chapter “Women“. From the outside, it appears a more natural exchange than dowry, because it is the woman who will perform service--sexual, domestic and maternal. A woman may ask for as much money as she wishes.
From a later verse in the same chapter, Shias have legitimized an interesting phenomenon called Muta, or temporary marriage. This is reviled by Sunnis and it is minor differences like these which produce sectarianism.
Let us look at the Vedic wedding.
The best book on this was published by Kolkata's Writers Workshop. It was written by Purushottama Lal with help from scholar Suniti Kumar Chatterji.
It reveals the beauty of the ceremony. Lal said his intention was to “present the essentials of the Hindu wedding, shorn of the excessive ritualisation that has crept into it as a result of regional variations and commercial considerations“.
Lal hoped his booklet would “serve the idealism and sacred bonding needs of all who feel that such a text restores to the ceremony the auspiciousness and sanctity that mechanical performance has deprived it of in modern times“.
Does the ceremony do this? Let's see if it does.
The wedding begins with the purohit addressing the gathered: “Say these words to bless the wedding: `May all be holy (Om punyaham), may all be successful (Om riddhim), may all be well (Om svasti).'“ The guests respond: “Om punyaham, Om riddhyatam, Om svasti“.
The man, karta, giving the bride away then welcomes the groom, who replies: “I am honoured (aham ase).
The bride is blessed by the presence of divinity.“
The couple then receive each other with these words.
Bride: “I respect you with all my mind and all my heart, I respect your soul with mine. Inside the same as outside, and outside the same inside.“
Groom: “I respect you similarly in the presence of all.“
Bride: “My mind will move with your mind in love, like water flowing on the path of life. My life is linked with yours, my mind with yours and my vows with your vows. Let us work together as two friends, seekers of the same goal.“
The groom replies with these words: “Who is giving to whom? It is love that gives to love. Love is giver, receiver, an inexhaustible ocean. You come to me with love, and that is love's doing.“
The purohit tells the bride: “As Sachi to Indra, as Svaha to Agni, as Rohini to Chandra, as Damayanti to Nala, as Bhadra to Vivasyat, as Arundhati to Vashishth, as Lakshmi to Vishnu, may you be to your husband.“
The bride replies: “May the path of my husband be spontaneous, and I shall walk on it with pleasure.“
This is followed by the Kushandika, the fire ritual.
The couple faces the fire with the groom standing behind the bride, reaching out in front to cup her palms in his.
Bride: “May my husband live a hundred years, and my people prosper.“
Purohit: “May you be as steadfast to your family as the Pole Star is to the earth.“
Then follows the ritual we associate most with the Vedic marriage, the seven steps of the Saptapadi.
The couple chants together: “We take the first step for nourishment.“
They continue in this manner, taking the second step for success, the third for loyalty, the fourth for bliss, the fifth for the good of all animals, the sixth for prosperity, the seventh for illumination.
They chant together: “With these seven steps I am your friend, may I deserve your friendship and may it make me one with you, loved and loving, sakha-sakhi.“
The couple then hold hands, and the groom says: “I hold your hand happily, for I am your husband. Let us grow old together, as lovers, as friends, as guides. Be with me and let's together build the ideal home. May the universe's powers bless us and the holy waters unite us. Your heart, my will--may they be one. Your mind and my mind, also one. I hope our words delight one another. May divinity unite us. What is in my heart, may it be in yours, tied in the knot of truth.
In love, may we see a hundred autumns, live a hundred autumns and hear a hundred autumns.“
He then anoints his bride with sindoor.
Bride: (facing Dhruv, the Pole Star): “You are forever stable. May I also be in my new home.“
Purohit: “Witness this bride and bless her. May she be happy in love.
Be as a queen with your husband's family.“
Facing the couple he says: “May you always follow the principles of dharma, artha and kama (morality, economics and sexual pleasure).“
The couple, together: “I will.“
Purohit: “May this ceremony be blessed by God. Shanti, shanti, shanti.“
One thing is striking in the exchange: This is a marriage of equals. The text does not excessively put the bride in a subordinate position. There is also no reference to caste, other than of course the word “purohit“, which can only refer to a Brahmin.


Copyright Mint by HT.

FINANCIAL PLANNING - Before and after you take wedding vows
BY Bindisha Sarang, Mint

If you are one among the thousands getting married this wedding season, here's something you should consider. While money matters may sound impersonal when it comes to a close bond like marriage, they are as important as the emotional bonding of a relationship.

Before the wedding don’t start a marriage in debt: A lot of people would do that, but that is absolutely inadvisable. Don't go for some- thing you cannot afford. One lavish day would mean your account in married life opens in the negative.

Says Jayant Pai, vice-president, Parag Parikh Financial Advisory Services, a financial planning firm, “Taking a huge high-interest debt for the wed- ding is a bad idea. In fact, if possible don't sell your long- term investments either.“ 

So what do you do for cash flow? If you haven't saved for the occasion yourself, borrowing from family and friends may work since such a loan would be interest-free.

Pai says, “Ideally you should start saving for the wedding one year in advance. Borrowing from family is a good idea, but borrow to bridge a gap, or shortfall, don't borrow the whole wedding expense from family.“

However, if that is not an option, selling your investments is marginally better than taking on a huge debt. The reason: you are young and will be able to earn and rebuild your investments.

Taking a debt and hoping to use wedding cash gifts to repay the loan isn't a great idea either. Pai adds, You should not rely on cash gift to repay the loan, there is no guarantee that you actually get that much and you may get stuck for a long time.

Financial compatibility: Apart from emotional and intellectual compatibility, it's best to check each other's financial compatibility, too, before the marriage. Says Sumeet Vaid, CEO, Freedom Financials Planners, a financial planning firm, Both the par- ties should be transparent regarding their finances with each other, especially if it's a double income household. It's important to know how the other handles money, even before the marriage.

Internationally, financial planners recommend that it's good to run a credit check on your potential mate. Alternatively, you could help your partner get the required credit counselling before you tie the knot.

After the wedding after the honeymoons over, it's time to get back to the grind. Starting early would help you ease the grind: while wealth creation can be larger and further goal, there are cer- tain things that you must do first thing after marriage.

Update financial documents: This is something we often overlook, but putting it in place is basic and mandatory.

Pai says, If you have your parents as nominees and want to change the nomination in your spouse's name fully or partly, you will need to do the necessary paperwork.

If both of you have moved to a new house, the address will also need to be changed across your investments and bank accounts.

Also, women, who plan to change their last name, would have to do so even in their financial documents. And for this, they would have to get a new permanent account number card and a new passport, among other things. Even know-your- client norms would need to be adhered to all over again.

Get a locker: Indian weddings are synonymous with gold jewellery and other precious gifts.

To ensure their safety, apply for a bank locker as soon as possible since it may take some time before you get one. You can also consider taking jewellery insurance, which is usually part of the householder's policy.

Set financial goals: Setting financial goals, such as planning a kid would help you invest accordingly. As you settle in, you may look at short-term goals such a buying a car, going on a holiday or even consumer goods. While most people go for such goals, does it really make sense to buy a car or go on a holiday early on? Practically yes, but financially? Pai says, “If you plan to have such expenses early on, it's best to save on the wedding cost. Alternately, you will have to postpone the gratification and invest keeping these short- term goals in mind. For short- term goals of less than three years debt-oriented investments work well.“

Make a budget: When you have just got married, between invitations for dinners to family and friends, you tend to splurge on everything from eating out to going to the cine- ma to buying gifts for each other. At the end of three-four months, you may find your credit card bills soaring and your budget going haywire.

To avoid such a situation, make a budget as soon as possible. Map out your expenses, in accordance to your expenses, investments and loans, but make sure you make room for some savings too. 

Initial investments: Also, if you have a lump sum saved for a specific goal, do not spend it all on things for the house such as furniture and consumer goods. Pai says, “If you have a lump sum amount and it's not assigned to a specific financial goal, it's all right to dip into those funds. But let's say, you are saving for a long-term financial goal, then dipping into this to buy furniture is not the best thing to do.“

Get a financial plan: To make sure your goals, budget, expenses and investments are in sync, it's best to seek professional help.

Apart from helping you get suitable health and life insurance plans, a financial planner would help you look into important aspects such as building an emergency corpus.

As predictable as it may sound, an emergency fund is a must in today's slowing economy. Says Vaid, Look at the potential risk you face as a family.

For instance, if both the partners are working in a technology sector and both get laid off together, you will need an emergency fund to rely on. Ideally you should keep one year's expenses aside. If that is too much for you, aim for at least six month’s expenses. 

The planner would also help allocate your investments and assets to cater to your short- and long-term goals.

Team up now: Says Suresh Sadagopan, Mumbai-based certified financial planner says, “If both the spouses are earning, it's best to maintain their individual financial identities, but some financial aspects need to be looked upon as a team. You could opt for a joint account to buy financial papers, pay equated monthly instalments on loans and the like, even as you maintain separate savings accounts.“

If you have separate accounts, make sure that you appear as co-owner on the pa- pers. For big-ticket items like a house, irrespective of which spouse has made a contribution, ensure that the other spouses name appears as a co- owner.

Remember that each house- hold is unique and so are its demands, but the basics on which you need to work are pretty much the same. Best wishes for a happy life.

25 November 2011
China Life: Split within

By HAN BINGBIN

It was Valentine’s Day. Wang

Xiaobo (a pseudonym) had been in

line since early morning to register

her marriage. In front of her, couples

were carefully threading their

way into a little room and filing out

from the other side. It made her

think: “It’s exactly like an assembly

line.” The process was so quick and

simple that many couples came out

slightly bewildered and wondering:

“Are we married already?” For

Wang, her feelings were slightly

more complex. This was her second

time in the line. The first time was

four years ago, in 2007, a year after

she graduated from college. Her

husband then was seven years older,

a man she considered “mature,

considerate and good at cooking”

and who gave her “a strong sense

of security”. She had married him

after they dated for two years and

unlike her classmates who were

still playing the field and shopping

for the perfect mate, Wang was content

with her choice and expected

a “stable and happy” life after marriage.

But the rude awakening came

sooner than she expected.

It was not the perfect match she

thought it was. They spoke less and

less to each other until conversations

were reduced to curt greetings

when they met at home after

work.

Wang also found her husband

sexually indifferent and, in their

16-month-long marriage, their sex

life was practically non-existent.

She tried to find out what was

wrong, but he dodged the question

every time.

She concluded that the love was

gone, and it was around this time

that she started an affair. Things

deteriorated quickly and, one day,

she moved out and asked for a

divorce. To her surprise, her husband

agreed.

With that, Wang became part of

the statistics that show an alarming

rise in divorce in China. Figures

from the Ministry of Civil Affairs

show that in the first three quarters

of 2011, 2.8 million couples registered

for divorce, up 12 percent

year-on-year.

That translates to more than

10,000 families breaking down

every day.

In the last five years, the number

of divorces has steadily increased

by about 7 percent year-on-year,

nationwide. In the first-tier cities

like Beijing and Shanghai, the rate

has reportedly surpassed 30 percent.

Peking University law professor

Ma Yinan says the rising trend

began as early as the late 1970s. Ma

suggests that China’s transformation

to a market economy and modernization

also began to reshape

lifestyles and values, including

those on marriage. With material

comforts vastly improved, people

are no longer satisfied with marriages

that merely fulfilled the need

to carry on the family line.

Especially for women, economic

independence has meant power to

be emotionally more independent,

making them brave enough to walk

out of an unsatisfactory union. In

Wang’s words, there is a new mantra:

“Financially, I am independent.

I don’t need someone to take care

of me. I only look for love.”

Reports from Xinhua News

Agency also suggest that more and

more divorce hearings are initiated

by women, with figures pointing to

more than half the cases, in places

as far apart as Beijing and Xinjiang.

Another contributing factor

has emboldened suffering wives:

Society is becoming more tolerant

toward divorce. Public judgment

has shifted from “shame” to “personal

choice and privacy”, according

to Qu Yang, psychiatrist and

veteran marriage counsellor at the

Beijing National Olympic Psychological

Hospital.

Qu recalls from his childhood

being taught that “good people

don’t get divorced and divorcees

aren’t good”.

At a time when conservativeness

and self-containment were prevalent,

society placed great value on

collectivism and peer pressure had

enormous influence, Qu says, and

social scrutiny forced many couples

to stay in unhappy marriages.

National policies, which reflected

the moral values of that time, also

dissuaded people. To get a divorce,

the couple had to obtain a written

recommendation from their

employers as well as go through a

one-month cooling-off period.

A decade of change

These processes stayed in place

until 2003, when the State Council

launched new regulations that

cancelled these complicated procedures.

Couples who agreed to split

could get divorced on the spot.

That year, according to Ma’s

research, 1.3 million couples separated

legally, the highest number

since 1949.

Once the bread and butter issues

were resolved, people were looking

for better emotional well-being.

Qu says people born after the

1980s often misunderstand the

meaning of marriage. They currently

make up the largest numbers

of divorces.

In these newly prosperous times,

young people are more given to

lightning courtships fuelled by

intense passion. Once the first flush

of romance fades, however, they

want out of the relationship instead

of working out the problems. Qu

says that for these age groups, the

danger period is usually the first

two years of marriage.

The reason for divorce is usually

“incompatible personalities”, but

Qu says a new individualism has

taken a grip on young Chinese.

They want what they can get out of

a relationship and are less tolerant

about what the other party needs

or wants.

People more selfish

Qu recalls many cases when one

partner chooses to go abroad for

study or work, a separation that

puts enormous strain on the marriage.

“In a purely traditional culture,

it’s easier to produce so-called

compassionate love,” Qu says. “But

frankly, people are more selfish

these days. There are fewer compromises.”

Financial benefit also drives

some marriages: If the spouse cannot

get what was promised before

the knot was tied, such as a house

or apartment, the couple may end

up in court.

The irony, Qu says, is that husbands

who can provide all the

material comforts are also the ones

rich enough to support extra-marital

affairs, still the biggest cause for

divorce.

“It’s been a growing phenomenon

among the newly rich to divorce

their wives and marry their lovers,”

says Yang Xiaolin, a divorce lawyer

in Beijing. In fact, many successful

men take having a mistress as a status

symbol, a fact that dismays both

the psychologist and the lawyer.

Qu says the secret to a successful

marriage is still the age-old solution:

Love, tolerance and compromise.

He also advises the young to

take their time and choose their life

partners carefully.

That’s also what Wang believes,

after her roller-coaster ride since

her first union. She has faith her

second marriage will be long and

happy, thanks to lessons learned

from her first.

“There’s no perfect man. Put up

with the little shortcomings. And,

don’t bet on a marriage with love

at first sight, or passing passions.

Choose patiently. It truly takes a

long time to understand a person

and to understand yourself,” she

concludes.

While Wang still cannot pin

down the criteria for a good marriage,

Qu prefers to fall back on a

time-tested adage: Choose a spouse

with similar family and financial

backgrounds to even the odds and

lay common ground for better communication.

It makes for a better

start and could prevent a possible

bitter end.

These words of wisdom come from people who have been there and done that!
A good marriage won’t necessarily make you happy or fix your problems.
After the excitement of setting up house and getting married, you can be surprised to feel the same old frustrations.
“I was still unhappy with my job and still had the same stresses and emotional baggage,” she says. “I didn't realize that even with a relationship that made me happy, I had to continue working on the other parts of my life. Being in love and having some-one's love didn't make my problems go away.”


People are sometimes dissatisfied with their marriage when the real problem is that they’re depressed or have other problems in their life.
If you’re unhappy in your relationship, it makes sense to look at how the rest of your life is going. "You can always find excuses in what the other person is doing if you’re feeling bad.


"You can get angry, but it's important to talk without fighting."


• DO IT: The problem will not go away if you don't talk about it.
• COOL OFF: Pick a time when you can return to the argument with less emotion—ideally, within 24 hours and in person.
• DON'T ASSUME: You probably don't know exactly what your partner is thinking, even if you think you do.
• FLEXIBILITY ISN'T WEAKNESS: You can change your position without "losing."
• SEE THE OTHER SIDE: This is the best way to downgrade a heated conflict into a momentary disagreement.
• HOLD HANDS: Sit close, make eye contact, which can help make your interactions more positive.
• ARGUE IN FRONT OF THE KIDS: Do this only if you're modeling good argument techniques.
• AGREE TO DISAGREE: Recognize that you are in a partnership. Look for the middle ground.
• CHOOSE YOUR WORDS CAREFULLY: You can never take them back.
Source: WSJ reporting




One man said he and his girlfriend argue over whether to argue.


The experts make no distinction between arguing, fighting, bickering or even nagging.
They're all ways of expressing disagreement with another person that often become destructive, with one or both people using insults, clamming up or storming off.






Copyright 2009 Dow Jones & Company, Inc. All Rights Reserved




Experts say they’ve been surprised to learn how essential it is to long-term happiness to compliment your spouse and to celebrate his or her achievements.
“Look for opportunities to get excited about your partner’s successes,” says Arthur Aron, PhD, professor of social psychology at Stony Brook University. “It really strengthens the relationship. And research shows it’s even more important than supporting your partner when things go badly."


Any marriage is the blending of two families, not just two individuals. A marriage is a merger of the traditions and expectations from the two families.


Successful relationships don't just happen; they take everyday effort and enjoyment in the relationship.


One should never expect another person to make them happy. It's essential to learn to be happy with yourself before trying to share your life with another; it's also unrealistic to think that a relationship is going to be great all the time.